Monday, December 22, 2008

It's like cramming for exams

I monkeyed all day, that day about 6 years ago. I had a History test the next morning and super confident that I always was, I kept from my books, "for just another 15 minutes".

Then 2am was upon me and I stood in front of my dear pal Mira asking her helplessly,"How am I going to cram all this in the next 4 hours? I am soooo sleepy!"

She said," Just do it". She waited with me, kept vigil with her snores and finally drifted off to sleep as I thumped my textbook shut. 

Umang has taken over Mira's mantle. As I wait in REM mode to hear my Ayumi stir awake for her mid night feeding session,  I always think about those numerous History exams that have ruined my night sleep for so many years. Nights are for sleeping. No thoughts, words or deeds, just plain simple sleep. Some white noise and mild dreams with non-dramatic imagery.

My mom and others say that I shall never sleep in peace again. It's one in the morning. My last thought and non-dramatic image: Ayumi feeding in peace, her white noise is my beating heart. Her sleep is mine.

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Ayumi

I'm back..No, I'm not attributing this long absence to my pregnancy (though it did seem like a lifetime) or to the fact that I have been completely wrapped round my baby Ayumi's (have to write "ole baba go" and "guccha poochie" after her name) chubby fingers.  I am calm now. Realization has dawned that I am a mother now. 

Ayumi is perfect, no two ways about that. My biggest moment and probably my everlasting memory will be her eyes looking up at me and smiling while she feeds at my breast. She looks at me straight with unadulterated affection that has a clear message," Thanks, fellow human, I feel much better. Food's good!" 

Ayumi is very clear headed. She has a lot to say and she says it out loud and quick and doesn't stop till she's made her point. I don't know yet what her point is; she's two months and two weeks old. But whatever it is there is batter to the babble. She frowns and looks skeptical when she deems it right and refuses to pose for the camera. Her stunned expressions are my most beautiful photographs, so are her grimaces at being tossed and mauled by eager family and friends.

Ayumi gives me a sense of startled awareness. I have to get up and GO. There's no time to regret and fret. There are things to be done and goals to achieve. Ayumi has to have a good life. She's my fervent mission and the greatest love of my life.